I know im going to get a lot of "Get back on your medication its dangerous not to be on it" or "Bipolars tend to stop taking there medication when they feel better its pretty typical" "You could kill yourself get back on your meds" BUT that is NOT the answers im looking for. Im looking for compassion and understanding from other people in the same situation. I can’t afford the medication or treatment so I use a program where I live called the Henderson Clinic. They let me see a psychiatrsit once a month who gives me free samples of invega 9mg and scripts for trazadone 100mg( to take as needed for sleep) Klonopin 1/2 mg twice daily (but i take 1 mg as needed) and we just started an experimental thing of taking 20mg of paxil and slowly increasing to help get me off the klonopin for my panic disorder (i slip in and out of agoraphobia a lot) but since it is an SSRI and EVER SSRI I have ever taken has put me into a manic episode it’s not something we were sure would even work. I pay 3$ for the appt, I get free samples of the invega, and trazadone and paxil(generic) are on the 4$ walmart drug list, only expensive thing is the klonopin for 12$. The whole problem started when I was originally on Abilify and Klonopin only. I WAS DOING GREAT! But unfortunetly, the company that provided them free samples of abilify stopped. And since I can’t afford to fill a script, she switched me to Invega (she says its like inderol) but it turns me into a ZOMBIE, I have no life to me, I have no sex drive, I sleep 16-18 hours and STILL feel sleepy! But since im suffering from psychosis she had to up me to 9mg and cant lower the dose otherwise it gets worse. So…. One day… I said SCREW IT and stopped taking everything but the klonopin (as needed). My doctor still thinks im taking the meds but ive been off for about 1 1/2 months now. The mania is starting… I see it happening, at any time im about to go into a full blow manic episode. Im starting to mess up things at work. My fiance is having to deal with calming me down. The psychosis is at its worst ever. I sleep 3 hours. BUT I FEEL ALIVE! I have sex, I enjoy things! Should I tell my doctor I stopped taking the medication and see if she can help me do the whole PPRX thing for abilify? Im scared to. Im debating getting hospitalized again because I don’t know what I might do. Please help and please don’t be mean. By the way the Henderson Clinic is the only organization state funded to help mental health disorders and in my state i do NOT qualify for medicaid. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and aggoraphobia when i was 11 years old and Bipolar at 18ish when I tried to stab my boyfriend during a manic episode and was hospitalized and then Overdosed trying to commit suicide and was baker-acted. If you could also suggest some medications to treat the mania and depression that wont have such bad side effects like sleepiness, weight gain, etc